Thinking About Marriage, But…?
I love my girlfriend to death and I want to ask her to marry me. We had a rough start but we haven’t had a fight or argument about ANYTHING in the last two years except on the topic of “prenups”(not about us in particular, in general).
My father was a very successful man and made a very healthy living. My mother decided that she wanted to quit school, quit working to care for the house and kids. My father was greatly against this and wanted her to continue schooling and go into a career. When growing up, my sister and I were in daycares even though my mother was home. I vividly remember fights because my mother didn’t want to care for us alone, clean up the house, or do anything.
The divorced years ago and now my father cannot support himself because a large portion of his income goes to my mother, who is a deadbeat and wanted nothing to do with us. She even got the house.
Here is where my girlfriend and I stand.
I am taking on a somewhat similar path that my father has. I was making enough at my work to move out when I was 17. I am in my 20s and I have my own home, a decent car, and a comfortable living. I am paying for my own education, I made it to where I am on my own without the help of others. I love my girlfriend, but I will not go into something that can leave me with half my income and no home in the distant future. She is going to school, contributing around the house and she is working. Before you say “If you feel this way maybe you don’t love her/aren’t ready for marriage.”, stop. There is always a possibility of something going wrong. That is why you put on seatbelts or have health insurance. Even though I am pretty sure I wont crash going 4 miles down the road, I am still going to buckle up.
My girlfriend says this “Marriage is a unity, husband and wife are one and anything they both do should be shared by each other. That is what marriage means. A prenup is saying that one person has doubts”
Thoughts?
February 28th, 2010 at 2:58 am
If she’s a working educated person and she loves you, she should have no problems with pre-nup.
I totally agree with you, you buckle up not because you plan to crash, pre-nup doesn’t mean you plan to divorce.
February 28th, 2010 at 3:23 am
I’d say you are being very smart. There are many people who wish they had signed a prenuptial agreement. It makes sense and it doesn’t mean you anticipate any problems, you just are protecting yourself just in case.
February 28th, 2010 at 7:47 am
A pre-nup is a business agreement. Go to a lawyer and get one drawn up. Your feelings have NOTHING to do with a pre-nup.
February 28th, 2010 at 8:13 am
I think its starting a marriage without trust. Prenups are great for millionaires, actors, anyone who is known for having a lot of money and yes could have someone use them for their money. But not for a man who has a comfortable living.
Its saying that you don’t trust this marriage to last. So you do have doubts. What do you want your prenup to say exactly? That she gets nothing if you divorce. They don’t really work that way. Most are made with clauses like if she cheats she gets nothing. I think your beingselfishh and not prepared to share everything includingg money) with another person and if this is how you feel then don’t marry it will never work with or without a prenup.
February 28th, 2010 at 10:04 am
I’m not going to patronize you: Anything can happen anytime in anything.
That being said, I can see where you’re coming from. People tend to fashion their own relationships after the relationship they witnessed between their parents. You witnessed a tragedy in which your mother was rewarded with half your father’s possessions, even though she was a “deadbeat”.
Now, as often the case, you expect a similar situation to play out between you and your girlfriend. I tell you this: it could… it might… or maybe not.
No one can ever tell you what will happen in the “distant future”. But here’s the situation now: you are uncomfortable placing all you possess in jeopardy for this woman… and she refuses a prenup. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t be swayed from my position, if I were you. Given that 50% of all marriage end in divorce, it might not be a risk you will win… and wouldn’t you kick yourself for the rest of your life if your suspicions became a reality.
Go visit an attorney, draft a prenup, and show it to your woman: be fair. Don’t leave her with nothing… there are all kinds of provisions you can include. You can give her more if the marriage lasts longer than X number of years, or leave her with NOTHING if she cheats. Draft something that you’d be happy with if you were on the other side, and then show it to her. If she balks, then tell her it’s this or she’ll be your live-in for the rest of her life. If she doesn’t like it, then let her walk.
Prenups were invented for a reason. It’s unfair to ask that one party risk everything they own when the other comes to the table with much less, or in some cases, nothing.
February 28th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
hmmm…well, the prenuptial issue is something that you two have two work on. i mean, you are non-verbally stating that unless she signs a piece of paper, you’re not going to marry her because your current assets are worth more than she is. it may not be what you mean to say, but that’s how she’s taking it. first, you need to see if your state is a community property state. if that’s the case, then even in a prenump you’ll still be handing over assets. it just means that what you walk in with, you’ll walk out with. anything either one of you buys during the marriage is split down the middle.
i think you also need to adjust your pessimism. it sounds like you have every reasons to fear a similar outcome that your father encountered, i know i had a similar life and had the same thoughts. BUT, your concerns for this growing up, hopefully produced some sensors in you that would go off if you were involved with a girl who might remind you of your mother. you and your girlfriend are different people than your father and mother. nothing is for certain, but nothing happens exactly the same. you need to really listen to what she is saying, and ask yourself if you trust her. if you love her like you say, then you won’t really care.
personally, it sounds to me like you’ve done right, worked hard, and followed the steps to a happy & successful life. the next step is marriage, this you know. but don’t settle for marriage just because you’re financially & emotionally ready, and happen to have a long time girlfriend. try to look at the situation from the outside and form an unbiased opinion.